change is NOT always good

Customers can sometimes be
rather presumptuous.

(very) fringey benefits

one benefit of delivering the mail is that we get to check out all of the goofy
magazine headlines. you know the ones i'm talking about..National Enquierer, Star...
i'm a total sucker for tabloids.
not just the ones about brit's meltdown and lindsay's lasted rehab stint...
but the really over the top kind that tell you the latest home remedies for curing cancer. the best of which is the Sun. it always has such great teasers on the front that you just have to take a peek inside.
on the cover today was an article promising to tell you the exact day and time the world will end.
how could i not check that out?
so as a public service i'm passing the info on to you.
March 15, 2008..4:32 pm.
They didn't mention if that was eastern standard time, but i'll assume it is.
on the next page was an article about weather-proofing your home for winter.
if we're all gonna bite the dust on March 15th, i say, why bother?

one of the main reasons i took this job

it's all about the uni!
not that the uniform actually looks good or anything. far from it.
there is something about wearing high waisted polyester pants with a nice fat stripe running up the side that makes you feel like you're stuck in a recurring high school marching band nightmare.
and the pith helmet always elicits the "going on safari?" line from our hysterical customers. they're SO clever those customers!
looks aside, it is the uniform that initially drew me to the job.
i think this is probably due to the traumatising experience of having to call in sick one day at my first professional job out of college because i had nothing to wear. getting dressed is a major league pain in the ass if you're a woman.
too many choices.
too much ironing.
too much time.
too much thought.
too much energy.
so every day, after years of putting on the same ugly old uniform, i still think of that sick call back in 1982..and say thank god for this ugly old uniform.
real simple. real, real simple.
that's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) i like it.

legit

after 20 years of dragging the bag around i finally feel legit.
sure i've had a few dog bites in my day but even those didn't do it for me.
today on the advice of two fellow carriers i went to visit Dr. K.
no, he's not a shrink.
he's a chiropractor.you're really not a mailcarrier until your back is completely screwed up beyond belief.
since making the appointment several weeks ago, lots of questions have been running through my mind.
is he going to sneak up on me from behind and snap my neck without warning?
if so will that cause me to have a stroke from which i will never fully recover?
is he really going to be able to diagnose me without seeing an X-ray, or reading any charts about me?
are chiro's for real or just modern-day hucksters?
i know that people swear by them..but i had my doubts.
everyone assured me that he would be gentle....
he'd probably loosen my back using a big buffer type thing or maybe a nice heat-producing machine.
he did neither.
he talked to me for a few minutes and seemed entirely sure of exactly what my problem was AND that he could fix it.
the next thing you know i'm lying face down on the table waitng for the torture to begin.
5 minutes later i'm walking out of there feeling like a half a million bucks.
after next week's session i may very well feel like a full million.
i don't understand it.
but Dr. K is for real..and he's my new best friend.

when customers attack

I can live with a dog that goes slightly crazy when you set foot on their property. i get the whole territorial nature of dog vs. mailman. i've been playing the game for a while.
what i can't live with is the owner who sees his dog react aggressively to you and then instead of offering to get control of his dog, tells you that his dog NEVER acts this way toward ANYONE else ..including previous mailcarriers.
His take on the whole situation is that I am afraid of dogs and his dog senses it.
Therefore???
I'm the problem??
Yes, i guess you ARE the problem he assures me.
Does this guy even realize how self centered he is?
I'm just trying to do my damn job.

I wanted to straighten him out..and give him a double shot of reality.
No, I'm not the problem.
And your dog is NOT the problem.
Hmmmm... that leaves..YOU !

Instead i said OK then i guess i'm the problem and stormed away with a trail of dark smoke pouring out of my ears.

can't wait for our next encounter!

and now a word about mailslots

They suck.


okay that's two words.
so i might as well continue the rant.
bad enough that we have to slow down to put your mail through your door..sometimes
one piece at a time
but come on now, did you have to place the thing two inches from the ground so we
have to get into full crouch mode and then hold that position while stuffing in
every last
one of your fatass catalogs that get jammed half of the time because your slot is
TOO SMALL?
do me a favor. on tuesday when you get all of your post-labor day mail, pick it up,
go outside and actually deliver it to yourself. not too bad? now multiply that
experience by 50..then by 5 days a week for the next ten years. yes, i want you to
feel my pain.
look. just skip the christmas tip this year and INSTALL A MAILBOX.

sincerely,
your loving letter carrier (specifically my knees and back)


p.s. have a nice day

What not to say to your mailcarrier

As a public service I will now post a partial list of things NOT to say to your mailcarrier ever again. Thank you.

1)Do not say the following when referring to your dog: a) "He's friendly"
b) "He doesn't bite!"
c) "He's just looking for a treat."
d) "Don't worry, he probably just wants to lick you to death".

2) It's not cute, funny, or original to say :
a)" No bills today..only checks!"
b) "Where is my million dollar check from Publisher's Clearinghouse?"
c) " All you brought me is JUNK!"
d) "You might as well just throw it all in the recycling bin!"

3) If you feel inclined to speak about the weather at all, stay away from:
a) "Hot enough for you?"
b) "Is your truck air-conditioned?"
c) "Cold enough for you?"
d) "Stay dry/cool/warm!"
e) "Don't get wet!"
f) "Nice day..if you're a duck!"

4) Don't ask us if we work half days on saturdays..or worse yet..don't say "Have a nice weekend." when you see us on a friday. By now you should have figured out that you get the mail on saturdays and it is our tired old resentful asses that bring it to you.

5) We especially hate when we've been your carrier for 5 years and you ask us if we're "the regular on the route".

6) When we hand you the mail don't ask us "Is that all there is?".
Along the same lines, don't point to a magazine on the bottom of the stack we're holding and say "Are you sure that's not mine?"

7) When the price of stamps goes up, please don't make snide comments about all of us "getting a raise."
When the price of gas goes up, would you say the same thing to the guy that works at the gas station?

8) If you happen to see us grabbing our half-hour lunch, don't say something like "There's our federal tax dollars at work!"

This is a partial list.
Try your best not to go "customer" on us, and we will try not to go postal on you.