(make me) sick call

remember back in the olden days when you woke up feeling like crap
and needed a day or two off?
remember when all you had to do was dial up your boss and tell him to find some
warm body to carry your route because you were not coming in?
i miss those days.

last week i woke up feeling like 5 pounds of poop in a one pound bag.
my ears were so plugged up that i didn't even hear my alarm, forcing my spouse to get up out of the rack and wonder what the hell was going on with me.
i was seriously out of it.
my head cold had taken over my head and was on the verge of taking over my respiratory
system as well.
the thought of putting my feet on the floor and standing up, (let alone finding the 1-800-I'M-Sicker-Than-A-Dog number) seemed like a monumental task.
i had no choice though, so, after considerable fumbling around in the darkness of my room,i found the number and dialed.

please punch in your employee identification number
ok
if this requested leave is for you, press 1.
ok
please state the reason for your leave request.
"illness", i mumbled into the phone..my morning voice full of congestion and disdain.
is this leave under the family leave act?
"no".
do you have any of the following conditions: on the job injury, pregnancy, chronic heartburn, night sweats, mood swings, acute exaggeration syndrome?"
"NO".
what type of leave are you requesting?
by this point my head was in my hands.
i tried to say "sick leave" but instead i coughed.
i'm sorry, i didn't understand you.did you say goodbye?
"NO."
what did you say?
"SICK LEAVE".
please say the day and time you want your sick leave to begin.
"cough"
i'm sorry, did you say "today?"
"cough..yes"
what time do you want the sick leave to begin?
ten @#$&%*minutes ago, i thought, but said
"7:30 am"
i think you said "10:30 am..is that correct?"
"NO!"
i'm sorry, i'm going to have to transfer your call to an operator.

while on hold, i attempted to regain my composure and not take my growing feelings of contempt out on the operator...
the poor dude that handled the call was so compassionate, bless his soul, it almost made me forget just how sickening the new system is.